Across The Hall

The woman who owns my apartment building knocks at my door
She wants to speak about last night
‘Last night?’ I ask
As if I don’t know what she’s referencing.
She says, ‘didn’t you hear the commotion?’
She asks if I have anything to add to the eviction notice she’s created.
I say, ‘she’s always offered me a smile
And she seems kind’
I don’t know my neighbour’s first name but I can see her door
When I look through the peep hole of mine.

In 1964 Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death in New York.
There were dozens of witnesses
Except nobody intervened or even called the cops.
They just let her die.
They later blamed the bystander effect
A psychological phenomenon stating people are less likely to intervene in an emergency situation when they know other people are present.

Rewind.
It’s 3:30 in the morning and I wake up, hear somebody yelling and at first I am confused.
But it doesn’t take long to know what’s going on
Even the groggy can identify when somebody is being abused.
She’s yelling, Somebody help me, let me in!’
Then turns says ‘you asshole what are you really going to do?’
He punches her, knocks her to the ground and says, ‘I will take your daughter
And kill you.’
At some point I put a towel under the door so they wouldn’t know I was there
I watched him hit her and drag her back inside by pulling her by her hair.

The cops came after 10 minutes maybe a bit more.
At first they knocked lightly, but were quickly Billy club banging the door.
After 20 minutes and a key from the super that didn’t work cop said they’d break it down.
He opened did a fake yawn as if he’d been sleeping
When even the deaf on my floor would have been long awoken from the vibration made from the sound.
Cops when inside to talk, left for their squad car but quickly returned
Had some top secret cop information their computers had learned.
He was on house arrest.
Problem and technicality was that it was to a different address.
And while this may seem like a minor infraction
Cops said they had to take him away for his unlawful action.
Now she quickly pipes up
‘You don’t understand I asked him to help with my daughter please
Don’t blame him this is all my fault!’
She begged on her knees.
A part of me felt I was watching peep hole tv it seemed surreal
But when I took time to imagine walking in her shoes
I understood her appeal

Knowing they took the elevator
I spent months using mostly the stairs
Afraid my poker face would be penetrated
By even a casual glare
Though at some point I realized I didn’t see that boyfriend again.
Don’t know if he was sent away or if there relationship came to an end.

I never claimed I was a hero or anything at all
I just the neighbour too afraid to admit I’d made the 911 call.

I can still tell you exactly where I sat 25 plus years ago in my junior high swim period when the pool teacher humiliated a student. He explained, ‘though this was pool, it was an opportunity to learn about science.’ He pointed out that Mike was full of muscle which is more dense than water and Ross was very fat, which was less dense than water, thus if both were in the water while Mike would sink, Ross would easily float. To make sure that the moment was really nailed in our heads, he then had them get in the pool for a demonstration. While we watched, I felt terribly embarrassed for Ross and powerless.  I remember nervously looking around the class to see if there was a female version of this demonstration, if I was the girl with the most fat. (At the time I weighed 80 lbs, but suddenly I had become very aware that I still carried some baby weight).

Shaming students is not new. The impact of shaming a student can resonate not only with the targeted student, but with the entire class – for years.

All this runs through my head every time healthy foods as the only choice for students comes into conversation. When I read stories of schools, like this one that ran last week in the Toronto Star, banning even a piece of homemade banana bread with chocolate chips, I am infuriated. If the worse thing to happen to a child is goldfish crackers, I think we should all agree their life is pretty amazing.

Though a part of me wonders how we let it get this far, another part of me understands. Perhaps it was because we never thought it would get so extreme or perhaps it’s because we are tired and busy. Too busy to get involved in what seemed like a hypothetical battle, while some of the people with time on their hands enough to make fruit roll ups from scratch pushed a pure healthy (no choice) agenda. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging your food choices, I make an amazing banana oat cookie sometimes with hemp seeds. But what people feed their kids should be their choice within reasonable limits and I think we’ve crossed the line of what is reasonable. Schools are banning the school friendly nut-free granola bars with mini chocolate chips, when in my day those would be barely tradable.

Do we want an entire generation to grow up feeling guilty every time they eat a chocolate chip?
Do we want to ensure that we more evenly distribute eating disorders to all genders?
Do we feel like there are not enough insecure people?
Do we feel that people’s relationship with food is too simple?

While a part of me thinks, I’d dare my child’s teacher to do this, the truth is that if my child was humiliated in front of her class then the damage is already done. Even if Ross received an apology from our teacher (which I doubt he did) the damage was done. Actions and words once spoken cannot be taken back, especially when an entire class is involved.

My biggest fear for sending my child to school was that she might encounter a bully. Imagine my shock and disappointment when I realized that the biggest bully of all might be the one person we parents were counting on to be our ally. Kids don’t pack their own lunches. It’s parents, thus if there’s an issue with my kid’s lunch then I should be called. A student should never be embarrassed, shamed and/or lose access to the food they brought.

I am no nutrition expert but I am the one who typically makes grocery shops as well as makes lunches and I will no longer give up my spot at the table for this discussion. No food eaten on it’s own would be a considered balanced diet – if I gave a gigantic bag of very healthy carrots for my daughter to eat all day, the diet wouldn’t be nutritious. I also think that healthy food shaming is classist, but that’s a whole other story. I’m all for a school where balanced lunches are provided for students, maybe even one where children work to help prepare these lunches (I once read this was a thing, maybe in Japan). For most people it’s after a full day at work, when parents are supposed to make their kids’ lunches. With so much on our plates we should be high fiving each other. Is it too much to ask that we please stop pointing fingers and using the kids as pawns. A child should be able to open their lunch, eat whatever was packed and feel good about it, without having to wonder if it is ‘healthy’ enough. While a part of me wonders if anybody reading this will say this just the ramblings of somebody who wants to have her cake and eat it too, truthfully, I don’t see the point of having cake if it can’t be eaten.

(As a side note I want to say that I did have a conversation with my daughter’s teacher and we were on the same page about moderation and the importance of a balanced diet. My concerns were based more on my personal experience as a kid, the Toronto Star article and conversations with friends. My daughter’s school and teacher are great).

‘Twas the first day of JK and this mom will admit,
I couldn’t pretend to be calm, not even a bit.
We are all ready, the lunches are packed
My child is as big as her full-size knapsack.

My daughter woke up excited, got out of bed
While visions of her new friends danced in my head.
Will there be a bully? Will the teacher and kids be nice?
How long will it take before she comes home with lice?

Facebook and Pinterest, have artisan lunches and snacks
but I’m sending a sandwich and I’m fine with that.
I’ll pack all the food groups, though back in my day
it was sugar with sugar and we turned out okay.

Thinking about grade school when I was a kid
I don’t recall washing my hands before eating, though maybe I did
then I’d wrap a sugary fruit roll up around a finger
and lick it all recess just let it linger.

But I’m sending healthy snacks as was requested
Will they get eaten or go undigested?
I picked out a first day outfit, that she wouldn’t wear
then put pigtails in her fine hair.

I reminded her to introduce herself with her name
to not get upset if she loses a game,
to be friendly and kind and have lots of fun.
I put her in sneakers, so that she can easily run.

I gave a hug and a kiss and tried to keep my cool
though my emotions rose a bit, as I left her at school
to my surprise, I didn’t shed one tear.
Happy first day to all, and to all a good year!