20 Reasons You Think Are Irrational
AKA
20 Reasons I Blame Myself, Still

1. I ate expired mustard.
2. I did not drink enough water.
3. Some days, I skipped breakfast.
4. Not consistently getting 9 hours of sleep.
5. The heavily discounted multi-vitamins.
6. Jogging a couple blocks when I was running late.
7. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to the gym.
8. I was startled when I heard somebody try to break into my house.
9. The anger I felt when I later realized that they had broken into my car and stolen thousands of dollars in work equipment.
10. Eating too much soy.
11. I drank hot chocolate. Though it’s less caffeine than coffee, perhaps it was too much.
12. Too much refined sugar. Along with the hot chocolate I had a juicebox a day habit I didn’t even try to kick.
13. The big bite from that three dollar bacon scone. After I swallowed I realized it hadn’t been refrigerated, I hadn’t thought about it when I made the purchase. I wasn’t sure how long it had been out or if it needed refrigeration at all… I threw the rest out. But maybe it was that. Maybe that scone was a 3 dollar, one bite abortion.
14. Breastfeeding my first too long.
15. Lifting my two year old daughter.
16. Not dating enough in my early twenties.
17. Being 35.
18. The ‘safe’ antibiotics the doctor prescribed.
19. Something to do with keeping my cell phone in my pocket and the wifi.
20. Maybe it’s because even though I try not to worry sometimes I still do.

Even though it all seems so unlikely, even though you think this is a list of irrational reasons.
Sometimes, I still can’t help but wonder
with regret.
If only I’d not done these things, maybe it would all be different
or at the very least
maybe
I wouldn’t feel so much to blame.

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My heart breaks for anybody who identifies with this day as today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This piece was written over three years ago after my own heart broke when they could not detect a heartbeat.